It was written December 29, 2009.
"I feel crazy. I’m so fat now and very ugly. My mom hates how I look. She always teases me how badly I am. It’s damn awful. I’m breaking down. I don’t know. I can’t be slim for an instant. I hate myself. I hate myself more than my parents hate me. They always wanted to change me who I am. Who would be glad about it? Who would not get crazy about it?
When was the last time they check on me seriously on what’s going on with my life? When was the last time they support me on what I really want in my life rather what they want in my life? I am definitely different to my elder sister. Can’t they just accept it? I know my sister’s better. She’s smarter, more studious, more loving, more helpful, etc. And me, I’m just a trash trying to place a world in here. I’m very much average. I’m not even good in anything. I’m a happy go lucky who wants to enjoy life when it’s still there than to be so serious and carry all the problems in the world.
I’m very thankful that I have them as my family. The wealth and the love they’re bringing me. I so much appreciate such wonderful things. But sometimes, I can’t stand anymore how they make me feel so nothing. The way they treat my own dreams and rather they want to follow their dreams for me than theirs. I don’t want to be miserable on doing things I know I am not supposed to do and the things that I’m not happy with doing it. Why would ever one person make his life miserable when he has this choice to make it more productive?
I’m helpless. They hate me. I’m trying to be a good daughter. L Every now and then, I’m getting more and more insane. I hope I’m just depressed. I hope I’m still who I am. God please. I let go and let You guide my life."
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