Done! :p

Whew! I can't believe it. Done with my first three stories. I'm very sleepy now. Still thinking about of posting the fourth story. It's really a confidential one. Awww. Good night guys! :) Happy reading! :D

PART V: My Bestfriend Kissed Me

December 19, 2009. (Ending Message)

I never thought it would turn out this way. It was really a very hard decision. God, I’m entrusting you everything. Please help me.

How does it feels when almost everybody is against your relationship? Your friends, for how many years, left you. Your family doesn’t seem to like him that much and God seems to see that you, two, are in the wrong track. You can’t even tell anybody about your relationship because you already knew they can’t give sympathy on you. And when all these reasons seem to convince you, at the back of your mind, you still continue what you have started. Despite of all the hindrances and differences the two of you have, you can’t help but accept everything about you and him. Would you believe that this guy had numerous One-Night-Stand relationships? It’s threatening. He has a lot of vices. Though it seems he’s trying to change to have a better life, it will take a very long time to see him proving things that he can change and be a righteous man. It’s more threatening then, because the start was so awful. Okay, I admit, I like that very moment. But not everything we like and everything we are happy about are all right. We should face the reality than to be blind because of what we knew about so-called ‘love’.

You knew that I came with them at a bar. Though I didn’t drink, we slept together. He knew everything that I really like him. That’s why I believe he has that strength to take me for granted. He kissed me. We didn’t do anything further than that. God knows. But his moves that moment seem to want more than just a kiss. I just simply pushed him away and nothing more happened. But I know, it’s still so wrong. How can I ever sleep with a guy? Am I not a Christian who had no fears on doing such? I don’t know. It’s just a kiss but it really left guilt in my heart.


I wanted to go back to start where we can have our limits, a moment where I can already gain respect from him. Before, every time I try to talk to him seriously we ended up laughing. If he only knew how much I love him, how much I cherish every moment that I’m with him. And despite of everything he is, I do still want to accept everything about him, to embrace his every differences. If only I had this choice to be with him forever. I am not that perfect too. But in this world, nothing is really permanent. I just don’t want to last years with him and ended up practically strangers just like what Jerome and I ended up.

Christian is really special to me. We really jive together and I can’t take that we’re going to end that way to. It’s very overwhelming if that will happen. That’s why I can’t believe there’s going to be a forever in ‘us’. And now that I’m trying to be honest about what the world think about us, he was hurt. It’s awful. Making him feel that way is thrice as I feel. Argh! If only I could make you feel any better with letting you still know about everything. It’s really hard.
If we’re better to be as best friends because we’re going to last forever then can we choose that? I don’t want to have a long-term relationship with you that will just end to trash again. You’re really special to me Christian, more than Jerome, that’s why I’m looking for possibilities that whatever we have now, I’m praying that it would last forever. But God only knows and we have to trust Him.

I’ll keep on praying for you that you’ll seek salvation through earning a wonderful relationship with Jesus. And if it means that I have to let you go no matter how I want you to stay, I will, because it is God’s will and having a good relationship with Christ, Our Savior is more important that anything in this world. Someday, you’ll going to understand everything. I never wanted to let you down. I really, really love you. Please wait for me and am going to wait for you too. No matter how long it takes just to be with you forever, I’ll take the risk.  I hope, in God’s perfect time, you’ll be able to understand. Someday, you’ll be able to entrust everything to God and to let your every decision guided by Him not only to our own limited mind. It might not look always wonderful but it always ends wonderful. 

(Upon reading this, I hope it won’t change anything we already have. I love you so much but I would never be selfish to let you know of the real truth in my life. If this contains anything that will make you leave me, I’ll deal with it and try to be happy for you as much as I can be because it’s your chosen decision and I can’t argue with you about that. No matter how much pain it is going to bring me, I’ll still smile with you. I will still love you how long and how sorrowful it takes. You’re very precious to me but God loves you and cares for you much more that I can do. He knows more what’s best for you. Trust Him, CJ. He’s our every hope, our life. He’ll make us keep going. Love him the way He loves you. There’s always a certain reason why such things happen in our lives. He only wants what’s best for you. Have faith in Him, CJ. Whatever it takes, I’ll keep on loving the very you, everything in you.)

PART IV: My Bestfriend Kissed Me

December 19, 2009

         Is this really the end of everything? God has better plans than ours. He always knows what’s best for us. Though sometimes, it would be very difficult for us to understand what He is fund on doing with our lives, all we have to do is to entrust everything to Him. As we submit our lives to Him, every decision and sacrifices we made for Him should be in joy. Rejoice instead weeping that we lost because His steadfast love is enough to fulfill our purpose in lives. We will never lose things because we have Him. 

          I’m more comfortable now. It’s very sorrowful but at least, I had followed His revelations in my life. Awhile ago, Ate Angel and Ella checked if I safely arrived home last night. Instead of Ella bidding goodnight, she asked me about Christian and what’s really in us. I was very nervous then and I only answered that we had a not-so serious relationship but we really like each other with limitations. I hate the fact that I set limitations but I still allowed him to kiss me again last night. I’m very ashamed of myself.  Ella told me to tell Pastor James everything. God speaks mostly through His people and I should listen and follow.  Every move and decision we make should be pleasing to God and according to Him even sometimes it’s hard for us to understand why.
Afterwards, I told Christian everything. This time, I let God to speak through me. I told him that there will come a time that I have to decide to be on my own. I really care for him a lot but God has better plan than this and I have to follow Him whatever it takes. I don’t know but I think Christian wasn’t able to understand what I’m trying to imply enough. He got angry and he told me that it’s going to be his last text. He needs space and we’ll talk personally after I go back from Singapore for a week. It was mixed emotions. It’s sorrowful because, in any moment, I’m losing him. Secondly, it’s really joyful because I followed entirely God’s instructions. I feel so worried of him because he might find another and he’ll prove me I’m just worthless and he doesn’t need me in his life anymore. Whatever it is, these are only emotions. My purpose is to fulfill God’s plans for me. I’ll keep praying for Christian spiritual health and I know God won’t let him to continue again with his wrong path of life. I really care for him and I entrust God everything. I love you Christian. God, please, make him stay but if it’s not Your will, I’m asking for strength to get over it and glorify Your name alone.

PART III: My Bestfriend Kissed Me

December 18, 2009

I feel sick. My tonsil isn’t normal. It’s hard for me to gulp but it is okay. Well anyway, yesterday was very memorable. Peter, Christian and I attended four events in a day from 8am to 10pm. In the morning, we have an outreach at Mandaluyong City Jail, Women Section. It was a project of our college so we were with the CCMIT Faculty, iBits and CCMIT-SC officers. The place is very overwhelming. It had a bad smell and it’s a bit creepy. But things are very beyond what the place looks like. At the fourth floor, there is place for programs just like this, outreach program. The detainees were there and other group had already started their program. I never thought that they’re not as different as how I think of the prisoners before. I can’t imagine why they were there. The detainees had presented an interpretative dance about the unconditional love of a mother to a criminal son. We, all, almost cry but when the acting judge committed a mistake on her dialogue, we can’t help but laugh. There’s also been portraying the role of Death and she’s really creepy. After that, we give our donations and embrace most of the detainees to bid goodbye. Upon leaving the Jail, Sir Inovero and I got very interested with the necklace that the detainees sell there. I am about to pay my chosen necklace when Sir Inovero treated me. It was very overwhelming joy. It’s really memorable to me. God really has wonderful plans to every one of us. It might seem to be very vague in our limited mind but we just need to entrust Him everything. Then we might be very fascinated with His works in our lives when He revealed His greatness because it’s more than we can imagine.

From Mandaluyong City Jail, we returned to our coaster and we thought we’re going back to our school. It was around 10:30am then. The faculty teachers were really joyful to be with. I never thought they’re got to be as hospitable as they did to us, students. All we know is we’re going back to PUP but then one Faculty told us that we’re heading Tramway to join them for lunch. iBits officers headed back to school and the CCMiT-SC officers left with the other faculty in Tramway. It includes us, Christian and I. Peter is a CCMIT-SC officer. It was very great to be with them. It was actually my first time to eat at Eat-All-You-Can restaurant. Christine and another CCMIT-SC officer were also there. It’s Pau. We eat and eat a lot but Christian ate a lot the most. I can’t believe Pau is Peter’s ex-girlfriend. She’s really beautiful. Well, anyway, around 2pm, we had finished our lunch. We took pictures with our Professors as our memorabilia.
Before we return to school for the PeaceMakers and PUPJM Christmas Party, we visited ABS CBN. We took pictures at Big Brother’s House and PDA House too. After taking pictures, we headed to MRT. We were at Cubao then and we took free taste of some iced tea there. Only Peter, Christian and I left then to ride a jeep heading to Stop&Shop. I thought we were so late then but when we arrived, my orgmates weren’t there yet. Ella came first. Afterwards, Ptr. James, Ate Jomil and Ate Angel came with foods. Before eating our merienda, we had a Godly discussion with Ptr. James. It was God who really manifested with Peter and Christian’s heart. I keep on praying that they will fully accept God in their lives and let Him the driver of their lives.

After eating, around 6pm, we attended PUPJM Christmas Party. It started at 7pm I think. We sang songs of Praises to God and worshipped Him. Everything belongs to Him. Every minute counts and it’s really precious. The facilitators had also prepared games and the three of us joined of course. It was really fun. The day ended for God with joy.

Since, it’s going to be the last day and the last time for this year that Christian and I will be together, he sent me home again instead of visiting me at our house the next day. I know he’s really tired as Peter is but he still chose to be with me. Peter had almost known that we really had a relationship. I don’t know what to do but it happened already. When I’m almost home, he kissed me on the cheek and whispered “I love you”. Cheesy! He kissed me on the lips thrice and I kissed him back on his right cheek. He embraced me and I can feel that he’s really going to miss me as much as I’ll do. Well, that’s goodbye for now and I’m praying that there’s still going to be “us” in 2010.

PART II: My Bestfriend Kissed Me

December 15, 2009.

Yesterday has been a real blessing for us. I really missed my old friends in CS 4-2. Kuya Mac, Angelo, Kuya Elnar and Angel had been great friends with me since I was still a first year student in college. I missed Kuya Mac even more because we haven’t talked for quite a long time. I embraced him with a joyful soul. Angelo and I also had a quick talk about what’s going on with our life. When Christian knew that I was with them, he was a bit jealous and he hanged the phone though I’m still talking. I was a bit irritated but it doesn’t matter because somehow it’s my fault. I said sorry then and he’s not that angry so there had been no conflict occurred. Rb is very lame and he didn’t really even bother to smile at me. I ate lunch with Ray and he told stories about his new girl friend, Pink. Beyond all these things, I know the weight of the tension between me and Superiors. 

Around 1pm, we attended the Windows 7 launch and it was really great. I was sitting beside Christian and Kenneth then. After the launching, we sat outside the Library and took some pictures. We also went to gym to pass our Lantern. It was really awesome. It’s very, very beautiful. Afterwards, I joined Peter, Christian and AJ to buy groceries at Pure Gold. They were very playful and I can’t help but just laugh with them. The groceries will be donated at Mandaluyong City Jail on Thursday. I’m so excited for that very day. 

On the other hand, Christian really makes me feel special each and every minute. Well, I don’t have anything to say but I’m so happy to be just his best friend. I mean, the way we treat each other is like best friends but we know in ourselves that it’s more than that. But for others, it’s for them to figure out what’s really with Christian and me.

PART I: My Bestfriend Kissed Me

It was written last December 11, 2009.

        It was a typical day. No. It was been a very extraordinary and one of the most important day. It is already 1:30am and I can’t sleep yet so I decided to do something great before sleeping. Looking back, it was very glad to know that last Tuesday Christian joined us in our meeting on Peace Makers. God declares it’s got to be the start. I’m praying very hard that everything will be according to God’s plan. Next week is our Christmas Party and he’s going to join us there. It will really be a great blessing.

        Today, my classmates decided to continue constructing Lantern for the contest on Monday. I thought it was already on Friday but it was moved three days after. I arrived there at already 3pm. I was so late because I should be there at 1pm. Upon arriving, they already teased me why Christian was gone for a long time and everything else about us. I can’t help but just smile. I have nothing to say but just laugh at them and all. At 5pm, Kenneth, Ellis and I decided to buy some food outside school. I forgot my School ID but we still decided to go out and buy food there. We saw Christian and Kim walking along to school. I feel like deceived that it just look like him but it was really him. Oh well, Kenneth and Ellis decided to let me join them instead. I was so surprised that he also brought Fit&Right for me. I feel so special, really. 

        When we pass through the guard, it’s not surprisingly that he confronted me about my ID. I told him that I left it in my bag inside the school but he still did not allow me to enter. I was about to get my ID on my own but Christian volunteered himself and Kim was left with me. After some quite while, Kim left too. Christian was really angry with the guard and though it’s not good thing, I feel overwhelmed and protected by him. He really cares for me but I tried to stop him to start such fight because of my very mistake. He’s really temperamental, a real man. 

         Finally, we reached SC and he still had a bad face. He teased me to kiss or hug him so he’ll be relieved from anger but of course I refused to do so. Yay! Shortly, our classmates teased us uncontrollably. It started when I almost decided to go home and Christian blocked me. He told me to stay a longer time and there they were. I really can’t fake that I’m feeling good about it. I can’t help but keep smiling and laughing the way they teased me. Christian also told me that he’ll send me to Cubao so I could stay with them longer. I just said that I believe it’s just a joke so he had proven me he’s serious. They kept teasing us and honestly, it felt so great though it’s kind of uncomfortable. They’re really precious to me. I’m keeping them and I believe when God’s perfect time comes, I’ll be able to share the goodness and righteousness of God and they will be saved too. Well, that’s all for tonight and I really thank God so much for everything that’s happening to me. Some are maybe not that good to look at but it’s still a blessing and everything happens for a reason. It’s because He has perfect plans in our lives. 

         On the other hand, when I reached home, I fell asleep and wasn’t able to replied to his texts. I wasn’t also had a chance to inform him that I’m home already. He kept calling me and it woke me up. He’s very angry and told me not to do it again. I apologized and he told me that he’s just worried about me. It felt so great. He’s really protective and all. Every now and then, he makes me feel more secure. I was fascinated when he already told me he loves me for the very first time. I can’t reply quickly and I can’t just breathe easily. Every feeling was so unique and it really captivates me every moment. That made me think every moment was a surprise and a gift.

PART V: My Bestfriend II

So this got to be the last part of "My Bestfriend II".


Here how it goes, it was written last December 10, 2009:

"Everything seems to be fine. Everything’s going great. Though it seems to be very complicated because of Kim’s birthday celebration, it was still wonderful that it became fruitful. Christian thinks I am his girlfriend but I can’t just be dealing with this easily. He had hurt many girls and a typical bad boy. I don’t still feel secure to him. Most importantly, he’s not still a Christian. So I only have to wait while God is working on it. I believe Christian is a good man but it’s not God’s perfect time for us. Though I can feel that sometimes I want to be just in love with him, I can’t just be it.

On the other hand, Superiors got so angry with me because of what happened last Saturday night. I know it was awful and it’s so wrong to happen but it just happened. I feel so sorry about it and ask Him for forgiveness. God knows everything and we had an agreement that it’s not going to happen again. I never thought that my so-called friends would ever treat me that way. It was really disappointing. I know it’s my fault but good friends don’t leave you that way behind, right?

Yesterday, I planned to pass my graduation papers in school. Christian and Kim accompanied with me and three of us passed our papers. After that, Kim went home already and Christian attended their SSD presentation. I preferred to wait for him at Chapel around 5pm. I never felt that kind of tranquility. The place was so peaceful. The air is so refreshing that moves the gentle trees around the structure. I almost fell asleep. It was already 6pm then, and Christian is still not around. I wanted to go home already so I walk around the school and texted him if he could still come with me. He pleaded me to wait for me a bit because they’re done already. I never thought he was rushing towards me. He really still wants to see and be with me. It was overwhelming.

            We ate fish balls at Teresa and he decided to send me home. I thought he was just kidding. Does this mean he’s really serious about me? It was very unusual that when we were in the van already, we were seated apart. I brought him at our Mini Mall and tour him around. We had a long walk until we reached my home. My parents met him and asked me if he’s my boyfriend but I denied. That was it. It was really very happy but still confused. He doesn’t still tell me that he loves me. So that’s the biggest reason why can’t I be comfortable with our situation. But still, I am thankful having him, my best friend."

PART IV: My Bestfriend II

I think, for me, it was the climax of my story then.

I wrote this last Decemebr 07, 2009.

"It’s awkward. It’s been a very uneasy week for me. Christian made fun of me again and I can’t help but got hurt. It was really painful that actually leads me to giving up. I know I’m happy with him but sometimes it’s very uncomfortable. So I chose to leave and tell him I can’t be his best friend anymore. He just agreed and told me that tomorrow will be very different. And so it was. We did not talk or even look to each other and smile. It’s sorrowful but it’s much comfortable but in the evening he texted me to take care. I didn’t reply and he kept texting me again and again. He told me that it’s really different and he wasn’t used to that kind of our situation. In the end, we agreed to be best friends again but this time I’m decided ad no longer afraid to lose him. I hope so. L

It was Kim’s birthday celebration last Saturday night. He invited us to celebrate his birthday in a certain bar and Christian was there too. Beforehand, that Saturday, my friends Superiors invited me to stroll in the mall but I refused. Because of that, they were a bit upset of me for I choose to be with my boy close friends than with them. I did apologize and told them that Kim invited me and Llorin, Kim’s girl friend, is already there too. The party is about to start around 8pm so we decided to stay in Christian’s dorm because it’s still early then. We watched movies while waiting. Peter and Kim’s older brother are also there with us.

The party had already started. I bought Nestea for my drink so they won’t insist me to drink alcohol. It’s my first time to be at a bar like that. I hate to see them smoking and drinking but I just tried to enjoy the night with them in any other good way. Other high school friends of Kim and Llorin were also there. My friends were somehow hospitable to me. They carried my bag and always check me if I’m still okay especially Christian. Later, a guy there seems to like me but I don’t really like him at all. He keeps on smiling at me and I just smiled too. Well, who I am to ignore him right?

When Christian sat beside me, that guy talked to him, that beside him is really a beautiful girl and that girl is me. I don’t know what Christian did feel but I just ignored such event. When almost all of them were drunk, I saw Christian flirting with a girl and suddenly, my friends blocked my eyes for they don’t want me to see him kissing the girl. I ignored every moment and every pain with a smile. They almost expected me to cry. It was really painful but it should be no big deal for me. Oh well, who I am to him? I am only his best friend.

As we parted, we, Christian and I, went home in Christian Bayona’s house. I left my bag with Moja and it’s crazy. When we were almost there, Christian Bayona vomited. Christian and I took care of him. In the apartment, there’s a double bed and a single bed. Christian Bayona quickly lie down in the double bed while Christian lie down on the floor. I just sit over the single bed and observed them. I am not yet sleepy. I feel angry for Christian kissed a girl even though he knows that I’m just there. He didn’t really care about my feelings at all. I hate him for that and it’s silly. Later on, he opened his eyes and sit beside me. He asked me why I am not yet still sleeping. He was really drunk. He doesn’t look good anymore and he kind of scares me. He asked me if I am angry with him but I said no. He kept on asking the same questions irritatingly until I told him that I am angry. I asked him back why he did kiss that girl. At some times, I slapped him a million times and punch and hit him when he’s not answering me the way he should. In the end, he told me that he’s jealous with the guy in the bar. He was maddened that I just give my phone number easily. He sarcastically said to give my phone number to all guys out there. I uttered what’s with a number than a kiss then he hushed. I hate him for he thought he owns me to be that angry and it looks like that my attention is only for him. He’s really sleepy and he doesn’t feel good anymore yet we still kept talking.

He revealed his true feelings for me. He’s also confused with how he feels towards me. I was a bit convinced despite of all the silly things he did. He held my hand so tight and he asked me that it’s already time to sleep. We slept holding each others’ hand. It really made me feel so peaceful though my heart beats so fast again. He placed our hands in his chest and it feels so unique. Since I’m not comfortable sleeping with a guy I woke up at 2am shortly. I woke him up too because I can’t really sleep anymore. He restrained me and pulled me again to his side. He hugged me so tight and brought me to lie down in his chest. He rested my hand just like hugging him. It was a very wonderful feeling but I refused and pushed him away but he was so stubborn and doing the same thing again. In the end, we slept holding hands again. But I woke up again. That time, he asked to lie down in his chest then he hugged me.

After some quite awhile, his face came very near with mine. Our cheeks meet and he got closer. He faced me and tried kissing me. He touched my face and tilted my head so he could kiss me but I refused and I got angry verily. He apologized for doing such a thing but I ignored him and told him I am very angry. Later, I pulled him to wake up. He hugged me again. I almost slept after few minutes and I felt he’s kissing me already. I am so silly that I allowed him to do so. I tried to stop him but he kissed me more. It was not a short sweet kiss. It was really passionate but I never did kiss him back. He did it twice, very, very long kisses. His lips smell alcohol. His kiss is verily different. I don’t feel the love, the emotion but a plain kiss and yet it was good. I punched him afterwards and slapped him but it did not help to change the fact that he already kissed me. I feel so confused. I feel so stupid and numb but I can’t help but to smile stupidly.

I asked him why. We started to talk again about it. It was December 06 then. He asked me the date like it’s got to be ours. We’re still confused with what we feel and there still no sweet words uttered. Though he explained why he’s confused because of me, it doesn’t make me convinced much that he really kissed me because of it but he’s just emotionally driven and drunk then. He told me that he’s happy when we were together and the day that we decided to be parted he feels empty and uncomfortable. He said he really enjoys being with me and very happy to be his best friend. He was so upset that it’s not the usual thing when we decided to be apart with each other. It really made him feel bad.

I can’t help but enjoyed what happened though I feel like I’m only taken for granted. He kissed me again and again in my cheeks but I never kissed back. He also said my lips are really sweet. Oh well, I just mentioned it."  

PART III: My Bestfriend II

This was a really great day.


It was written last November 29, 2009.

                 "Okay. It was some kind of a joke. Yesterday was so wonderful. After all my realizations that God has given me, I was enlightened that it’s not yet really the time for the right guy to come. I have been convincing myself throughout and it was a real miracle that it’s God who can do impossible things in my life. I was so grateful that I have Him all the time and He was always there in my ups and downs. He made me remember the things that He once was taught me. His principles in life for me, my purpose, my life, my mission and everything that I am, are all for Him.

                And yesterday was really a very big blessing that came into my life. A lot of exhilarating unexpected things happened to me. We had a movie viewing about future cars. I thought it will be boring and uninteresting but it was not. It was real amazing and I am so inspired that someday I could have own one of the most car I love in that movie. After that, we made a reaction paper and because of the feeling of extreme admiration I had written a lot of reactions about that movie. I’m not that type of student who loves to write but I believe it was just one of the great blessings God had brought me and there’s more to come, really.

                After class, I treated JC ice cream as a return for his goodness to me.  He called me ‘ate’ and I’m so delighted for that. I love to do more things for him that would make him glad and doing this is for God’s glory. Making people smile, making them feel special and eventually sharing them the Gospel through my daily testimony and through speaking of His words of course. Erueen and I had a plan to watch New Moon after class. When Peter found out, he looks at me and read my mind and told me that I want him to join. So okay, I asked him to go with us. My other classmates knew about it. Kenneth also came with us and Ellis is still unsure but he keeps walking with us. When JC knew about it, I was a bit ashamed because I think I disappointed him. But what can I do, it’s really about me and Erueen watching the movie. Out of the blue, Christian texted if we’re going to SM but when he knew we’re going to watch movie at gateway instead he refused to go with us. Then suddenly, Moja texted if we can have a coffee that day then after few minutes, he called me. I let him talk to Peter and they both decided that if we could go in there dorm right away. It’s kind of awkward that I’m the only girl then. We pay them a visit because Christian is a bit sick too. Kim is also there with them in the dorm. It made my day that I saw Christian again. I giggled. It’s very uncomfortable that it’s like they treating me like a guy too. They teased me silly and yucky things they do about themselves. Whatever!

We discussed which place we could go better and more enjoyable. They want to go to PyroOlympics or watched in Shangrila instead so we can also pay a visit to our former classmate and friend Arjho. But as I insisted, though I think they more love to go to PyroOlympics we continue to go to Shangrila for Arjho. Before we go, Christian and I brushed tooth together. Yay!

At Shangrila, we waited for Arjho in the food court. I was so amazed to see him. He had lost weight and he’s still damn so cute!!! I can’t help but stare. Moja and Arjho left to treat food for us. It was real wonderful. I was so overwhelmed with happiness. While waiting for them, Christian asked me to buy Fit&Right in the groceries. He treated me but he told me that it is just this once. I still feel happy because it’s still a treat somehow. Going back to our seats, we updated Arjho about what’s happening now in school and some news about our fellow classmates. At some point, they tease me scornfully but I just laughed at it. When Arjho has to leave for work, we took pictures and everything. We also go to Megamall and see if we can watch New Moon there because it’s very expensive in Shangrila. They complain that it was too expensive to watch New Moon but they still watched with us (Erueen and I). I was so happy that from that I feel so special especially when Ellis also told me, “Pasalamat ka love ka namin kahit di naman maganda New Moon”. Peter and Moja bought food first and we go inside the Cinema 9. I sit at Seat 26 and Erueen and Christian are seated beside me. I feel very lucky that day. New Moon is really cool. It’s not really good enough but Jacob is damn so hot. His body is so perfect. And the story fits ‘my story’. Jacob and Bella are best friends. Christian tease about it and it’s kind of overwhelming. Bella is Edward’s girlfriend but he left her and I don’t understand why he did. Jacob fell in love with Bella but Bella try hard to stay faithful with Edward. There are two scenes that really take my breath away when they almost kiss when it should not. So close yet so far. In the end, of course, Bella still choose Edward and that scene made me really astonished. Jacob begged for Bella to stay to choose him instead. But then Bella told Jacob, “I love you…… But It’s always been him (Edward)..”. Then she and Edward left Jacob broken hearted. Oh so sad!

I can really relate to that scene and that story because it happened to me, Christian and Jerome before. I loved Jerome before and I should be faithful in him. He is my boyfriend then anyway. Christian has been my best friend when Jerome and I’s relation isn’t stable. Christian told me that he likes me and also, he simply told me that he loves me. He can’t deny that before but I have a boyfriend, I loved him so I can’t choose him over Jerome. When Jerome found out about Christian, he told me to stay away from Christian because he’s a threat to our relationship. I followed Jerome because I loved him and I knew that it was just a challenge in our relationship before. When Christian and I had the chance to talk, I told him that I’m happy when he’s there and he’s very special in my heart but Jerome is my boyfriend. Daydreaming, it’s so the same, right?

           In the middle of the movie, I felt that Christian is so cold, I told him about it and he asked me to hold his hand. My heart beats faster and faster and I released my hand from his. It was the happiest thing happened that very day. Actually, being just beside him that time makes my heart jump. There are still many sweet moments that had happened to me and Christian. He looks at me happily and teases me sweetly. He gave me his Cross earrings and whenever I feel it, I feel like he loves me somehow but I can’t expect and hope even a bit that it’s true. Then, the day ends."

PART II: My Bestfriend II

It was written last November 25, 2009.

               "It was a great brand new day for me. I woke up smiling and thinking about what yesterday had brought me to be as happy as I am now. We had a real talk. It was real splendid and blissful. I came in our class earlier than expected. After the prayer meeting, I go upstairs then I saw Christian alone. I bravely check on him. It is in my plan to ask him about this girl Tina. There we started. I was so shocked to know that this girl is just a fling. And OMG, it’s not an ordinary fling that I used to know. Something extraordinary has been going on with them. Something happened. It’s not only once. It’s not only one girl. There also had been other girls before with the same situation. I refuse him to elaborate it any longer because I really can’t take it to hear any words about such things from him. I am hurt as his best friend. I never imagined that he would be doing such very indecent activities. Afterwards, I was so stunned and my mind flew. It took a long time for me to absorb what we really talked about and to find the right reactions to fit in with what I have known.

                I almost promised that his secrets are safe with me but I can’t keep it in myself any longer and I feel so sorry to myself because of this. I told Monic about everything. She comforted and also reacted same way that I do. I feel relieved though knowing that she’s there for me. My shocked, embarrassed feelings turned into a calm and mindful spirit. I think about how I could be a help to him and how to act the role as his best friend. I also feel overwhelmed with happiness because he trusted me once again with his thoughts and his stories. Being his best friend, that’s my only role in his life and no more than that. Maybe, this story is near to an end. I’m afraid but every story has an end and this one has too."

PART I: My Bestfriend II

This "My Bestfriend II" contains a lot of twist. I hope you'd like it. :)

It was November 21, 2009 then.

              "I tried to move on many times but I did fail. I feel so awkward. Whenever I am already decided, there he is trying to bring back the smiles that once were gone. I really, really love him and if only I can do one thing just to make him love me back in a right way, I would have done it anyway. Why can’t I be happy for myself without him? Why do I always remember good times I had with him instead of the insulting, difficult times we had?

                Christian, if you can just hear me right now, please, I’m hurting. Can you please smile with me just this time once again?

                I love you kuya. J I wish I could utter these three letter words the way I want you to hear it from me. I have no idea why you’ve been very caring for me these past few days."

PART IX: My Bestfriend

So it's the ninth part and the last article of "My Bestfriend". :)



It was November 15, 2009 then.

"It’s Sunday. Yesterday, we already meet our professor on Rizal’s subject. She’s quite old and still has her posture and looks the way she wanted. Perhaps, I think she’s going to be an effective professor in our class. Well, on the other side, after class I go out and buy some food alone, while walking, Christian walk with me. It’s not fun at all to be with the way he is now. He’s really annoying me and I hate it much. He goes with me and buys his cigar on his own.  I don’t know if he’s just like that or he’s really trying to turn me off with his ways. The smoke coming from his lips really makes me disappointed. He always laughs at me and taunts my bad ways. But honestly, though I hate his ways so much now it can’t change the way I really feel for him. Despite of all the bad things he keeps on showing me, I can still not forget how he is before. His real character that he had shown me still makes me hold on him and refuse me to let go. The way he takes care of me, the way he makes me feel I’m very much respected by him, the way he smiles because of me, the way he laughs with me, the way he shows me how special I am for him and lastly, the way he makes me love him just because he is. Why is it really hard to forget a person who has really been very special to you?

Jerome was special. I loved him but there are just a lot things that made me realized that he’s not that special to me. It’s just that I was in love with him and he’s just always there. Christian is real different from him. The feeling is so extraordinary. Just seeing him smiling makes my day. There’s always joy in my heart when he looks at me and check on me if I’m still okay. But the thing is that was just only a history. It’s like that it was never even happened before. His way now is totally different from his way before. I have to move on even if I can’t. Though, these things happening in me right now, I’ll still love him but I can’t show him any longer. Perchance, it is the end of this chapter between me and him. It was a real sad story but I have to set myself free from him to be prepared to the next chapter of my love life in the future. However, I’ll want to say that I am sure I won’t be afraid to love again somebody else. But my prayer is that somebody would be like the way Christian makes me smile for real. Then one thing is for sure, Christian will always have a place in my heart forever. "

PART VIII: My Bestfriend

Eighth Part! WOW! :p


It was written last November 12, 2009.

Here it goes:

               "Let’s say I’m partially recovered from what happened last Tuesday in school. This is the story. In the afternoon, Christian kept on bugging me to join him eating lunch but I ignored him because of what I knew about him and Tina. I feel he’s just really playing on me and I hate it so much! On the other side, Peter insisted me to buy a raffle ticket and there he goes again. He also asked me to make an assignment for him on our Ethics subject after a while ago. Suddenly, Christian called me and requested to also make him an assignment but I refused. So he just asked me to do his assignment with me in a place where we can be comfortable. We decided to sit in a room then we started writing papers. He found out that I am doing Peter’s assignment and he got annoyed a little for I refuse his and do Peter’s. After few minutes, our classmates got in the room unexpectedly and tease us. I don’t know what to feel.  

                They started a meeting for our Christmas Party but I was shocked when I found out that it’s going to be during our stay in Singapore. I really want to join the party so I asked them to move the date. I beg them to just move the date then they asked me why. I don’t know what to say but I finally tell them that we’re going to have a trip out of the country but I try to take back my words and say that my sister’s just going home and we have to stay with her those days. I’m really confused. I thought my plead will help but it did not. They did not consider how much I love to join them. I’m really disappointed with what happened but I can’t do anything then. It’s their decision and the only thing I can do is to deal with it.  I feel so unimportant. I hate Peter, I hate him!!! I hate them!!

                Christian always makes me feel jealous. Why does he need to do these things than just to be honest with me? I never knew he would make me feel this way. I feel very upset on him. How I wish there’s still something I can do to make it up with him for this very last time. "

PART VII: My Bestfriend

It was November 10, 2009 then.

           "On the first school day for this week, I started my day doing my home works before preparing for school. Last night, Llorin called me again. She updated me that this girl named Tina visited Christian again. I was just like OMG! so there you go again. Due to advices of Llorin that Christian just making fun and abusing my feelings for him, I became firmer to accept the fact that we’re really not meant to be. I can’t help but still like him but he can never take advantage of me once more. If he thinks that I’ll always be there for him even he has another girl, I’ll prove he is just so wrong!!

                Anyway, I met a new guy named Daryl. I’m starting to like things about him but I’m not so sure if I’ll be attracted with his looks. Well, I just want to be honest with myself. I know I don’t look that good but I can’t be with someone I don’t really like again. We’re actually meeting later around 8pm at Gateway. He is 5’10”, loves painting, cooking, playing badminton, an environmental scientist, a Christian, respectful, and a very, very kind man. He’s really an ideal man for me. (To tell you, he is freaking NEVERMIND!!!)

                I hope he’s the man God has sent me and I hope I’ll be able to forget about my feelings for Christian because of him. Well, that’s all for now. Got to go back with the things I need to do."

PART VI: My Bestfriend

This was written November 08, 2009.

            "Whew! Though I’m damn so sleepy but I want to share with you the overwhelming things that happened these past six days. Okay, so I’ll start with my first day. It’s actually real silly. In my last confession, I was just losing hope to stay for Christian. We’re classmates. I felt the feeling again I had when we were just starting to be just ‘friends’. His stares and the way he glance at me that make me high on him.

                Okay. He’s been real sweet with me again and I can’t really understand why he keeps on treating me again that way. But he never said a thing about what I texted him. Silly! I don’t know what’s exactly happening in my world but I can’t deny that I am happy.

                One day before next school day, I had texted with Llorin and I found out that Christian’s dating a new girl. I was really so shocked and hurt. Before that, I was preparing Graham Banana Cream Pie to make it up with him but when I found out about this new girl, I broke down my knees and almost cried. I thought of AJ. I promised him before to bring him Graham but I wasn’t able to, so I planned to give it to him anyway than to give it to freaking Christian. Arghhh!!

                Can you relate to what I can feel right now? He let my feelings gone stronger for him though he has been dating another girl. Okay, I knew it. I’m stupid! But for just at least I hope he has something to say even just a word about all these things but he never did. I decided firmly to move on and not think about him anymore. I simply texted him one last text and here it goes, “.ok, I knew it. :) di nako manggugulo.gudnyt.”

                On the next day, I arrived on school around 12:00pm. AJ wasn’t ready to talk with me yet. I was surprised again when Christian approached me and kept asking what I knew when I texted him that way. He’s really confusing me for making me feel he cares about it. And I hate it but I just can’t help but laugh with him every time he flashes his smiles! But I can’t trust him anymore with my feelings. Suddenly, I had a very quick decision and give him the graham I made which is actually really for him. A lot of things have happened all of a sudden. He liked the Graham and I don’t know. I hate it, really.

                After our class, we prefer to go to SM, play Arcades and sing at Videoke house. That’s it. Bonding, laughter and happiness we had shared as a section were all there. Well, this is how I can only tell you stories. I’d like to move on already over him. I’m still confused."

PART V: My Bestfriend

It was All Saints Day then.


Here's the story.

(FLASHBACK)

 An unknown person have texted me few times. I asked who he/she is but he never replied until one day I found out it’s my classmate Christian. How in the world did he get my cell phone number? An enchanting, delightful and captivating sensation runs through my heart that cast it to draw a sweet smile in my face. It all started there. I tried to ignore him but he pursues making friends with me. 

                (PRESENT TIME)

He texted me, after five days I think, to check me if I’m still okay, to know why I didn’t check on him and if I’m angry with him. What would make you think? Well, whatever it is help me God not to do the wrong thing again.

PART IV: My Bestfriend

This was written October 30, 2009.

"Wow! It is 3 days to go before the next semester class to start. I’m verily excited and kind of a little nervous. Well, actually this day is a bit tiring to wake up because I’m afraid to do my tasks. First, it is to play badminton after a long time and to clean my OMG messy room for this day. I usually wake up at 6am but on this day I already wake up at almost 10am???! OMG! I was still depressed, really, but when my dad came up on my room I was just so overwhelmed when he gave me custard cakes!!! I really love it so much!!! Yeah, so there it goes. I still need to do my tasks for now so see you later. 

But anyway, I just have some thoughts about this next semester class. I am wondering and, yes, nervous about what might happen between me and my best friend. What could have I possibly done or him? I just have some prayers that, please, he won’t tell anybody about what I’ve told him. I bet he is going to plan on how to tell that he doesn’t like me too. Oh, that’s just hurts! But what can I do? I don’t really know but then, I don’t want him to hear another word from me anymore unless he would talk to me first. That’s it. Goodbye. We’ll see each other again later. I hope so. HAHA!

Last thing, I love more each and every day my Christian Joseph even if you don’t feel the same. " 

PART III: My Bestfriend

Third Part. :)

This was written, October 29, 2009.

"It’s awful. Really, it is. He’s still speechless, isn’t he? Oh, I hate him for that anyway, really. He just laughed at my words I told him and he doesn’t know how painful he brought in me. But that’s okay, it’s unimportant for him I think. I just hate the fact that almost a year ago he loved me and now he’s just laughing over me because I love him. It’s drastically looked unfair for me. I am not actually expecting anything from him because I am ready for this pain. I knew it. He hates me more than I can think about and the only thing he could offer is to be a best friend to me and that’s all. Well, what’s wrong having him as my best friend? It is actually wrong because I can’t do things right as his best friend due to my feelings for him. Was it exaggerated? Am I? I really hate myself for admitting I love him. Honestly, I feel free but in pain. Well, what else can I do but to deal with it. 

Christian, I HATE YOU!! You made me cry. I  REALLY HATE YOU!"

PART II: My Bestfriend

This is the next part. :)

Written last October 28, 2009.

"On this day, I want to be happy. I want to feel his love even if it’s not real or even if it’s just love for a best friend. I know it’s a reverse situation. I can never bring again the past that he had liked me before. I just can only admit that it’s me who likes him now and I have no idea if he still feels the same way too. I should not expect, never.

Each and every day, my feelings for him grow stronger. Whether I am with him or I am alone missing him. I don’t know exactly if it is love. It is just that I want to make special things for him. When he’s not around, I miss him a lot and think about him so much. And when he’s there, I can’t almost breathe. My heart beats faster and the time runs so slow. If I had any wish for that moment, it is to be with him for a longer time or for the time to stop. I love to stare at his face. Smile when he smiles at me. Tease back when he keeps on teasing me." 

Then late in the evening that day, I've written this.

"Okay. So here how it goes, I did it. I already told him that I love him. This is it. I have no regrets though but my heart is breaking. I don’t know what to feel. I feel so numb. I feel so crazy for doing this. But what can I do, I don’t want to get to the point that I’m going to lose him without doing anything. What do you think? Am I hideous? Do my words sound silly?"

PART I: My Bestfriend

Awww. It really gets me soooo much excited! :) I have tons of articles about my love story and I hope you guys would love it. Please leave a comment. :)


This was written October 26, 2009.


So, here how's the first part goes:

"It’s the 26^th day of October. I can still feel the anguish I have been carrying for a month. I never thought I’d fall in love again this easy to somebody else after a fresh breakup two months ago with my two- years-and-six-months former boyfriend.

It’s not actually to a new guy. He is my so-called best friend for almost nine months I think. He is really special. He taught me and opened my mind into a lot of great things. Also, he made me feel the most wonderful feeling I ever felt in my entire life. It was really magical. It was last 2008 on the 3^rd of December then. Actually, it was our first real talk. We texted a lot before and he almost told me that he likes me. I just thought that he just wanted to make friends with me. So who I am to ignore him? Don’t get me wrong. I loved my boyfriend so much than anybody could ever love him. But there are just times that I can’t fight the feelings that continuously developing for Christian, my best friend. I know it is wrong. But every time I am with him, I can’t deny that every moment feels so right. I knew it’s not a reason to pursue the feelings we had for each other and so I had to put a stop on it.

I told my former boyfriend everything that’s happening with me and him. At first, it was fine with him not until I revealed that Christian told me that he is starting to like me with no other intentions but just to make friends. On that day, I tried to avoid him and everything follows. But we still talk. I still look in his eyes at times magically. My heart still beats faster when we see each other.  But it gradually vanished.

I focused on the relationship I had with my boyfriend. I look on the things that would make him happier and that would make our relationship even more stable. But on the summer break, I became a nagger girlfriend. I got impatient and we always fight. I got easily irritated on a lot of things. Sometimes, he has the fault in it but most of the time it was just me. He stayed for me despite of it. He never leaves me at my worst. He became very patient on me and still doing special things for me. I don’t know, but I can’t help myself to hate him to the point that I am asking myself if I am still in love with him. I love him but I hate him. It sounds weird but it is.

Until one week before the Holy Week, I broke up with him. His mind filled with a lot of questions why I had to do that. It’s like a near cool off. I cry and cry and cry. I love him but I can’t fight the hating I feel for him. I want to be a better person for him. He doesn’t deserve the way I treat him.

In my realization, I summed up a lot of reasons why we had reached this kind of argument. He also really lacks of doing his responsibilities as a boyfriend that’s why I ended up nagging him. He knew these things. But because the love I have for him, I tried to understand everything and to accept him again for who and what he is. We got back together after a week of break up. We tried to fix everything. I thought it would work this time but the fight isn’t really over. Until the time came that he gave up. I was so shocked that he really wanted to leave me. I can’t stop the tears falling. We talked about it and we fixed it with adjusting to our differences and I promised that I will stop nagging him even with a reason. That we would talk about each argument calmly.

We lasted to be this way for almost four months until I realized things. We were not really meant for each other and our adjustments can’t cure our differences. I feel also limited on doing things I wanted and need to do and doing things I shouldn’t do but end up doing it because of him. The first real break up was calm. I cried and we talk. We still hang out. We laugh and we love. No commitment. My decision is final and I know this is what I have to do. But my heart seems not to be ready yet. I love him so that I follow my heart over my mind and tried to make things right with him. But he had it. He doesn’t want to get back with me anymore. I did everything. I cried a lot but every tear doesn’t matter to him any longer. It was damn so painful. But then I have to stick with it. It’s actually my decision and he just followed. I knew it was really bound to happen. And I have to accept the fact that he is not into it anymore. I have to be strong, to be independent and to stand on my own.

Little by little, I overcome the pain. I have learned to accept it and learn a lot of things. It had made me a better person. I am starting to experience the fruits of the painful past I had with him. God has really the reasons why every pain exists. I became closer and faithful in Him. It was actually a great feeling each day came.

Then 26^th of September came. It rained so hard and Bagyong Ondoy came. Flood is everywhere and we were stranded in our university. Since Christian has a dorm near the university, I texted him that we need his help badly and asked him if we could stay in his dorm. They were just great blessings that he and Kim accepted us in their dorm. It was just really cold then. The wind blows hard. The flood rises. The rain doesn’t seem to stop. It was really fearful but we just keep on praying and thanking God we were just so safe there with them.

Night came, Christian and I prepare the dinner. Suddenly, my heart started to beat faster again. I just can’t breathe when he stares and smiles at me. But I tried to ignore it. He leaned his head in my shoulder when we were sitting on the bench while waiting to steam the rice perfectly. He told me he’s not feeling well because he is drunk but I pushed him away for I don’t want anybody to see us and I hate to think that he’s taking advantage of me. He asked me about what happened on my former boyfriend. He also told me what’s going on with his love life after few months of breaking up with his former girlfriend. He likes a new girl visiting at their dorm. I was hurt though I had to fake it and be happy for him. I don’t know but I can’t deny that I still like him and I missed him. But I knew it was just only me now. Everything is so different between us but my feelings have grown stronger though.

In the middle of the night, when everybody is sleeping, I woke up. I can’t sleep again so I wake Christian up. He was surprised why I am still awake. I told him I am not sleepy anymore and asked him if he can stay up with me because I feel so bored. I fool around him but he is still drowsy and asked me to sleep. I disagreed and reasoned out until he pulled me to his side. I am now lying down beside him. I can’t breathe. I stand up but he held my hand so I won’t be able to get up. So I just dealt with it.

Suddenly, he is tickling me and I did the same way. I tickled him and slap him on his face and we laughed and laughed again. Until he hugged me but I put away his hand then he placed my hand to hug him back. I don’t know what to do. His sweetness, smiles and acts are still the same. But the thing is he doesn’t even utter a word why he is still fond of doing those things to me. I was waiting for him to tell me that he still feels the same way but I heard nothing. So I made fun of him and tease him why he is doing this. He smiled and just told me that I am very stubborn so he just made fun of me.

When the sun rose, we left his dorm and still thinking of what happened when I was there. I feel so awkward. I can’t stop thinking of him and I missed him very much. One night, I called him and check on him how he was doing. In the end, I told him that I think about him a lot. I got no response. I feel so unimportant for him. I don’t know what’s wrong. I tried to just avoid and stop thinking about him but I can’t. Until I came up of making peace with him through talking with him personally but he didn’t come thrice as I have expected him. I feel so depressed. He is ignoring me a lot. It’s like showing me that I am the most unimportant person in his life. I wanted to give up. But as days passed by, I keep falling for him deeper than before. I’m starting to realize that I love him but this time I knew giving up is the only way to stop bothering his life. He doesn't need me in his life I think. I texted him how I feel except that I am in love with him but he replied like he is not aware of everything. He said sorry and he’s still a friend to me. It was really an overwhelming sorrow. He also sent quotes like I am arrogant and that I should never expect in just little sweetness of anybody. That’s how I got his point.

                On that day, I told myself that I would never ever bother him anymore. But one week after, just last night, I failed. I give him a call but he rejected it. However, he texted me informing that he is doing something important. This crazy heart doing silly things again I think. I just responded on him to text me if he’s ready but I fell asleep. So we weren’t able to talk that night. The next morning, today actually, I called him. We talked and decided to meet tomorrow. I hope this talk will help me unleash the pain I’m feeling inside somehow. In the other way, I’m afraid that he will not show up again for the fourth time. That’s damn painful. I hate it, really. But what can I do, no matter how much I try to follow my mind, my damn heart wins."

True Feelings (PART II)

Good day! I guess, I've really had a very not-so-tragic experiences few months ago. 

So before we proceed with my ever love story, here's my last post about a general topic about my life, I guess. HAHA. :p


This was written December 31, 2009.

                "Sometimes life’s too ironic. The things that you have wished for a long time, when you have it, you feel regretful but you know you can’t let it go. There’s always a perfect reason for everything that happens. Sometimes, it’s hard to understand why things are bound to happen but it’s one way of God to teach you to trust Him that He knows everything and what’s best for you.

                I make mistakes. But God knows, if only I have a choice I would rather not do such. But accident is not an excuse. You can choose to be more careful on doing such decisions in life, right? I know holding on to Christian doesn’t looks so right. Everyone seems to be against on what we have but when I pray, God always ends me up holding on. Not only because, I love him, but because God still uses me as His instrument to him. It becomes uneasy at times but God strengthens me to hold on. When I look in the future with Christian, it seems so vague. It seems unpleasing somehow but prayer changes everything, right? Though, I don’t want to end up miserable with him, I entrust God that in His perfect time, Christian will be able to live righteously. And that time, it won’t be hard for the both of us to let go one another because we know that God has better plans in our lives. But if it’s God’s will that He meant us to be together in the future, we’ll stick to it and be grateful about it. 

                In reality, as of now, I don’t feel he’s the one for me. I can’t even entrust Christian about my physical secrets, just like how imperfect I am. 

                Everything here in this earth is temporary so let’s cherish and treasure every moment while it’s there. God has wonderful surprises in our lives and even it may seem not good the way we look at it, God always ends it up wonderful.

                Without expecting and demanding anything, we invite surprises. Surprises are spontaneous when it comes. There’s nothing forever in this physical world so let’s stick to it and don’t make someone you love to be your world. God is the most powerful one, omnipresent, omnipotent. Who or what’s your focus? Is it your money, your friends, your special someone, or your very self? Why not give it a try to focus on God, His will, love and plans for you? Just give it a try, it’s more than you expect because God always has better plans than ours. Trust and have faith in Him."

True Feelings (PART I)

Sometimes, life just really looks too ironic. We always have our moments and here's mine. 


It was written December 29, 2009.

            "I feel crazy. I’m so fat now and very ugly. My mom hates how I look. She always teases me how badly I am. It’s damn awful. I’m breaking down. I don’t know. I can’t be slim for an instant. I hate myself. I hate myself more than my parents hate me. They always wanted to change me who I am. Who would be glad about it? Who would not get crazy about it?

 

                When was the last time they check on me seriously on what’s going on with my life? When was the last time they support me on what I really want in my life rather what they want in my life? I am definitely different to my elder sister. Can’t they just accept it? I know my sister’s better. She’s smarter, more studious, more loving, more helpful, etc. And me, I’m just a trash trying to place a world in here. I’m very much average. I’m not even good in anything. I’m a happy go lucky who wants to enjoy life when it’s still there than to be so serious and carry all the problems in the world.

                I’m very thankful that I have them as my family. The wealth and the love they’re bringing me.  I so much appreciate such wonderful things. But sometimes, I can’t stand anymore how they make me feel so nothing. The way they treat my own dreams and rather they want to follow their dreams for me than theirs. I don’t want to be miserable on doing things I know I am not supposed to do and the things that I’m not happy with doing it. Why would ever one person make his life miserable when he has this choice to make it more productive?

                I’m helpless. They hate me. I’m trying to be a good daughter. L Every now and then, I’m getting more and more insane. I hope I’m just depressed. I hope I’m still who I am. God please. I let go and let You guide my life."

I cried it out!

I guess, you might think I'm way too emotional. Well, you got it right. This post proves it really. :p


This was written November 1, 2009.

               " I have been crying so often these past few weeks. There are just many reasons that blown up my mind, that tears my heart and build liquid crystals in my eyes. Honestly, I feel awful on how I look, on who I am and why in the world I am here. First real thing, I want to be accepted, everything, every little part of me. I’m dreaming of someone who can respect and accept the whole me, someone who would not want to change me or someone who’ll change me unconsciously and still stay. I don’t have much confidence to face this world of life. I broke down every time people criticize me, that I am not as beautiful as others can be. I don’t have flawless skin and skinny figures just like others do. I am not faultless. I am not as good person as others can be. I don’t actually want to compare myself to anybody but when the world makes me feel I’m the most unfortunate living thing in this world, I can’t help but cry and feel very miserable. I know I’m very lucky to be in this stage of living. I should be but negative side of this life really kills me. I feel nobody really wanted to accept me, even the people I’ve been hoping for we’re never really there at all.

                I have goals in my life that I am desperately wanting to achieve but honestly, my parents refused partially. I want to serve people. I want to serve my fellow Filipinos. I look forward to be a college professor and get a Master’s Degree then eventually, a Doctoral’s Degree. I aim to be a part of a church and serve God, the greatest purpose I have that my parents never agree with. I somehow know the consequences of my goals and dreams but this what I really want in my life. I never see it obnoxious. I know it’s not that easy but it’s my life, can’t I decide for my own future? I feel so controlled.

In my first year salary, I wanted to gain self confidence. I have been dreaming for years to have a flawless, radiant and fair skin. Also, I would love to have a great figure so I would never feel ashamed to show the world what I look like. I also wanted to travel around the world and have a job that really fits my Alma Matter. I aspire to be a Project Manager and earn very high salary to fulfill my needs, my leisure and most of all to fulfill my parents’ dreams in their lives. Also, I want to have a computer business and in the future, I want to have my own company or become a great System Freelancer in my own country land. I desire to work hard to have my own house, my own car, my own foundation and of course, to give my parents a luxurious life. It is to make them travel around the world, have their own properties; business, house, and car. I love to see them enjoy their chosen jobs.

Secondly, I want to pursue my writing skills. I love to write but I think I choose to start blogging. I know I’m not a good writer. I am no good on anything but I want to do what I love to do even if I’m not that good on it. I want to learn different languages especially French, Nihonggo, Latin and a lot, lot more. Most of all, I dream to study in a singing class. I love to have a good voice though. I want to be an actress, not exactly to enter show business, but to improve my acting skills. I love to act very much. It allows you to release your most hidden emotions, permit you to be somebody else and exercise your emotional, physical and mental aspects.

 My family is a big part of my dream but I can't withstand it when they keep on controlling my future. I have no bad intentions on how I want to mold it but they want to choose their plans for me rather than just support me. I believe they can’t avoid comparing me to my older sister and it is hardly to deal with. They always ask me where or to whom my salary will be allotted. What would make you think if your parents keep on asking you about it? It made me think that even though I don’t have a job yet, I already have a long list of payments to them. I love them so much but I really hope that they would give me even a little sympathy in my real dreams in life. I sometimes feel that they think of themselves superiors and all-knowing. Isn’t it absurd? Isn’t it right that at times, you have to be a listener and go down to a person’s mind than to keep talking like you’re the most knowledgeable person in the whole wide world and refuse to listen to others opinion or point of view?

            Well, that’s it. I feel released though. Blogging really helps and prayers do more."