This was written November 1, 2009.
" I have been crying so often these past few weeks. There are just many reasons that blown up my mind, that tears my heart and build liquid crystals in my eyes. Honestly, I feel awful on how I look, on who I am and why in the world I am here. First real thing, I want to be accepted, everything, every little part of me. I’m dreaming of someone who can respect and accept the whole me, someone who would not want to change me or someone who’ll change me unconsciously and still stay. I don’t have much confidence to face this world of life. I broke down every time people criticize me, that I am not as beautiful as others can be. I don’t have flawless skin and skinny figures just like others do. I am not faultless. I am not as good person as others can be. I don’t actually want to compare myself to anybody but when the world makes me feel I’m the most unfortunate living thing in this world, I can’t help but cry and feel very miserable. I know I’m very lucky to be in this stage of living. I should be but negative side of this life really kills me. I feel nobody really wanted to accept me, even the people I’ve been hoping for we’re never really there at all.
I have goals in my life that I am desperately wanting to achieve but honestly, my parents refused partially. I want to serve people. I want to serve my fellow Filipinos. I look forward to be a college professor and get a Master’s Degree then eventually, a Doctoral’s Degree. I aim to be a part of a church and serve God, the greatest purpose I have that my parents never agree with. I somehow know the consequences of my goals and dreams but this what I really want in my life. I never see it obnoxious. I know it’s not that easy but it’s my life, can’t I decide for my own future? I feel so controlled.
In my first year salary, I wanted to gain self confidence. I have been dreaming for years to have a flawless, radiant and fair skin. Also, I would love to have a great figure so I would never feel ashamed to show the world what I look like. I also wanted to travel around the world and have a job that really fits my Alma Matter. I aspire to be a Project Manager and earn very high salary to fulfill my needs, my leisure and most of all to fulfill my parents’ dreams in their lives. Also, I want to have a computer business and in the future, I want to have my own company or become a great System Freelancer in my own country land. I desire to work hard to have my own house, my own car, my own foundation and of course, to give my parents a luxurious life. It is to make them travel around the world, have their own properties; business, house, and car. I love to see them enjoy their chosen jobs.
Secondly, I want to pursue my writing skills. I love to write but I think I choose to start blogging. I know I’m not a good writer. I am no good on anything but I want to do what I love to do even if I’m not that good on it. I want to learn different languages especially French, Nihonggo, Latin and a lot, lot more. Most of all, I dream to study in a singing class. I love to have a good voice though. I want to be an actress, not exactly to enter show business, but to improve my acting skills. I love to act very much. It allows you to release your most hidden emotions, permit you to be somebody else and exercise your emotional, physical and mental aspects.
My family is a big part of my dream but I can't withstand it when they keep on controlling my future. I have no bad intentions on how I want to mold it but they want to choose their plans for me rather than just support me. I believe they can’t avoid comparing me to my older sister and it is hardly to deal with. They always ask me where or to whom my salary will be allotted. What would make you think if your parents keep on asking you about it? It made me think that even though I don’t have a job yet, I already have a long list of payments to them. I love them so much but I really hope that they would give me even a little sympathy in my real dreams in life. I sometimes feel that they think of themselves superiors and all-knowing. Isn’t it absurd? Isn’t it right that at times, you have to be a listener and go down to a person’s mind than to keep talking like you’re the most knowledgeable person in the whole wide world and refuse to listen to others opinion or point of view?
Well, that’s it. I feel released though. Blogging really helps and prayers do more."
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