December 19, 2009. (Ending Message)
I never thought it would turn out this way. It was really a very hard decision. God, I’m entrusting you everything. Please help me.
How does it feels when almost everybody is against your relationship? Your friends, for how many years, left you. Your family doesn’t seem to like him that much and God seems to see that you, two, are in the wrong track. You can’t even tell anybody about your relationship because you already knew they can’t give sympathy on you. And when all these reasons seem to convince you, at the back of your mind, you still continue what you have started. Despite of all the hindrances and differences the two of you have, you can’t help but accept everything about you and him. Would you believe that this guy had numerous One-Night-Stand relationships? It’s threatening. He has a lot of vices. Though it seems he’s trying to change to have a better life, it will take a very long time to see him proving things that he can change and be a righteous man. It’s more threatening then, because the start was so awful. Okay, I admit, I like that very moment. But not everything we like and everything we are happy about are all right. We should face the reality than to be blind because of what we knew about so-called ‘love’.
You knew that I came with them at a bar. Though I didn’t drink, we slept together. He knew everything that I really like him. That’s why I believe he has that strength to take me for granted. He kissed me. We didn’t do anything further than that. God knows. But his moves that moment seem to want more than just a kiss. I just simply pushed him away and nothing more happened. But I know, it’s still so wrong. How can I ever sleep with a guy? Am I not a Christian who had no fears on doing such? I don’t know. It’s just a kiss but it really left guilt in my heart.
I wanted to go back to start where we can have our limits, a moment where I can already gain respect from him. Before, every time I try to talk to him seriously we ended up laughing. If he only knew how much I love him, how much I cherish every moment that I’m with him. And despite of everything he is, I do still want to accept everything about him, to embrace his every differences. If only I had this choice to be with him forever. I am not that perfect too. But in this world, nothing is really permanent. I just don’t want to last years with him and ended up practically strangers just like what Jerome and I ended up.
Christian is really special to me. We really jive together and I can’t take that we’re going to end that way to. It’s very overwhelming if that will happen. That’s why I can’t believe there’s going to be a forever in ‘us’. And now that I’m trying to be honest about what the world think about us, he was hurt. It’s awful. Making him feel that way is thrice as I feel. Argh! If only I could make you feel any better with letting you still know about everything. It’s really hard.
If we’re better to be as best friends because we’re going to last forever then can we choose that? I don’t want to have a long-term relationship with you that will just end to trash again. You’re really special to me Christian, more than Jerome, that’s why I’m looking for possibilities that whatever we have now, I’m praying that it would last forever. But God only knows and we have to trust Him.
I’ll keep on praying for you that you’ll seek salvation through earning a wonderful relationship with Jesus. And if it means that I have to let you go no matter how I want you to stay, I will, because it is God’s will and having a good relationship with Christ, Our Savior is more important that anything in this world. Someday, you’ll going to understand everything. I never wanted to let you down. I really, really love you. Please wait for me and am going to wait for you too. No matter how long it takes just to be with you forever, I’ll take the risk. I hope, in God’s perfect time, you’ll be able to understand. Someday, you’ll be able to entrust everything to God and to let your every decision guided by Him not only to our own limited mind. It might not look always wonderful but it always ends wonderful.
(Upon reading this, I hope it won’t change anything we already have. I love you so much but I would never be selfish to let you know of the real truth in my life. If this contains anything that will make you leave me, I’ll deal with it and try to be happy for you as much as I can be because it’s your chosen decision and I can’t argue with you about that. No matter how much pain it is going to bring me, I’ll still smile with you. I will still love you how long and how sorrowful it takes. You’re very precious to me but God loves you and cares for you much more that I can do. He knows more what’s best for you. Trust Him, CJ. He’s our every hope, our life. He’ll make us keep going. Love him the way He loves you. There’s always a certain reason why such things happen in our lives. He only wants what’s best for you. Have faith in Him, CJ. Whatever it takes, I’ll keep on loving the very you, everything in you.)
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