I think, for me, it was the climax of my story then.
I wrote this last Decemebr 07, 2009.
"It’s awkward. It’s been a very uneasy week for me. Christian made fun of me again and I can’t help but got hurt. It was really painful that actually leads me to giving up. I know I’m happy with him but sometimes it’s very uncomfortable. So I chose to leave and tell him I can’t be his best friend anymore. He just agreed and told me that tomorrow will be very different. And so it was. We did not talk or even look to each other and smile. It’s sorrowful but it’s much comfortable but in the evening he texted me to take care. I didn’t reply and he kept texting me again and again. He told me that it’s really different and he wasn’t used to that kind of our situation. In the end, we agreed to be best friends again but this time I’m decided ad no longer afraid to lose him. I hope so. L
It was Kim’s birthday celebration last Saturday night. He invited us to celebrate his birthday in a certain bar and Christian was there too. Beforehand, that Saturday, my friends Superiors invited me to stroll in the mall but I refused. Because of that, they were a bit upset of me for I choose to be with my boy close friends than with them. I did apologize and told them that Kim invited me and Llorin, Kim’s girl friend, is already there too. The party is about to start around 8pm so we decided to stay in Christian’s dorm because it’s still early then. We watched movies while waiting. Peter and Kim’s older brother are also there with us.
The party had already started. I bought Nestea for my drink so they won’t insist me to drink alcohol. It’s my first time to be at a bar like that. I hate to see them smoking and drinking but I just tried to enjoy the night with them in any other good way. Other high school friends of Kim and Llorin were also there. My friends were somehow hospitable to me. They carried my bag and always check me if I’m still okay especially Christian. Later, a guy there seems to like me but I don’t really like him at all. He keeps on smiling at me and I just smiled too. Well, who I am to ignore him right?
When Christian sat beside me, that guy talked to him, that beside him is really a beautiful girl and that girl is me. I don’t know what Christian did feel but I just ignored such event. When almost all of them were drunk, I saw Christian flirting with a girl and suddenly, my friends blocked my eyes for they don’t want me to see him kissing the girl. I ignored every moment and every pain with a smile. They almost expected me to cry. It was really painful but it should be no big deal for me. Oh well, who I am to him? I am only his best friend.
As we parted, we, Christian and I, went home in Christian Bayona’s house. I left my bag with Moja and it’s crazy. When we were almost there, Christian Bayona vomited. Christian and I took care of him. In the apartment, there’s a double bed and a single bed. Christian Bayona quickly lie down in the double bed while Christian lie down on the floor. I just sit over the single bed and observed them. I am not yet sleepy. I feel angry for Christian kissed a girl even though he knows that I’m just there. He didn’t really care about my feelings at all. I hate him for that and it’s silly. Later on, he opened his eyes and sit beside me. He asked me why I am not yet still sleeping. He was really drunk. He doesn’t look good anymore and he kind of scares me. He asked me if I am angry with him but I said no. He kept on asking the same questions irritatingly until I told him that I am angry. I asked him back why he did kiss that girl. At some times, I slapped him a million times and punch and hit him when he’s not answering me the way he should. In the end, he told me that he’s jealous with the guy in the bar. He was maddened that I just give my phone number easily. He sarcastically said to give my phone number to all guys out there. I uttered what’s with a number than a kiss then he hushed. I hate him for he thought he owns me to be that angry and it looks like that my attention is only for him. He’s really sleepy and he doesn’t feel good anymore yet we still kept talking.
He revealed his true feelings for me. He’s also confused with how he feels towards me. I was a bit convinced despite of all the silly things he did. He held my hand so tight and he asked me that it’s already time to sleep. We slept holding each others’ hand. It really made me feel so peaceful though my heart beats so fast again. He placed our hands in his chest and it feels so unique. Since I’m not comfortable sleeping with a guy I woke up at 2am shortly. I woke him up too because I can’t really sleep anymore. He restrained me and pulled me again to his side. He hugged me so tight and brought me to lie down in his chest. He rested my hand just like hugging him. It was a very wonderful feeling but I refused and pushed him away but he was so stubborn and doing the same thing again. In the end, we slept holding hands again. But I woke up again. That time, he asked to lie down in his chest then he hugged me.
After some quite awhile, his face came very near with mine. Our cheeks meet and he got closer. He faced me and tried kissing me. He touched my face and tilted my head so he could kiss me but I refused and I got angry verily. He apologized for doing such a thing but I ignored him and told him I am very angry. Later, I pulled him to wake up. He hugged me again. I almost slept after few minutes and I felt he’s kissing me already. I am so silly that I allowed him to do so. I tried to stop him but he kissed me more. It was not a short sweet kiss. It was really passionate but I never did kiss him back. He did it twice, very, very long kisses. His lips smell alcohol. His kiss is verily different. I don’t feel the love, the emotion but a plain kiss and yet it was good. I punched him afterwards and slapped him but it did not help to change the fact that he already kissed me. I feel so confused. I feel so stupid and numb but I can’t help but to smile stupidly.
I asked him why. We started to talk again about it. It was December 06 then. He asked me the date like it’s got to be ours. We’re still confused with what we feel and there still no sweet words uttered. Though he explained why he’s confused because of me, it doesn’t make me convinced much that he really kissed me because of it but he’s just emotionally driven and drunk then. He told me that he’s happy when we were together and the day that we decided to be parted he feels empty and uncomfortable. He said he really enjoys being with me and very happy to be his best friend. He was so upset that it’s not the usual thing when we decided to be apart with each other. It really made him feel bad.
I can’t help but enjoyed what happened though I feel like I’m only taken for granted. He kissed me again and again in my cheeks but I never kissed back. He also said my lips are really sweet. Oh well, I just mentioned it."
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