This was written October 26, 2009.
So, here how's the first part goes:
"It’s the 26th day of October. I can still feel the anguish I have been carrying for a month. I never thought I’d fall in love again this easy to somebody else after a fresh breakup two months ago with my two- years-and-six-months former boyfriend.
It’s not actually to a new guy. He is my so-called best friend for almost nine months I think. He is really special. He taught me and opened my mind into a lot of great things. Also, he made me feel the most wonderful feeling I ever felt in my entire life. It was really magical. It was last 2008 on the 3rd of December then. Actually, it was our first real talk. We texted a lot before and he almost told me that he likes me. I just thought that he just wanted to make friends with me. So who I am to ignore him? Don’t get me wrong. I loved my boyfriend so much than anybody could ever love him. But there are just times that I can’t fight the feelings that continuously developing for Christian, my best friend. I know it is wrong. But every time I am with him, I can’t deny that every moment feels so right. I knew it’s not a reason to pursue the feelings we had for each other and so I had to put a stop on it.
I told my former boyfriend everything that’s happening with me and him. At first, it was fine with him not until I revealed that Christian told me that he is starting to like me with no other intentions but just to make friends. On that day, I tried to avoid him and everything follows. But we still talk. I still look in his eyes at times magically. My heart still beats faster when we see each other. But it gradually vanished.
I focused on the relationship I had with my boyfriend. I look on the things that would make him happier and that would make our relationship even more stable. But on the summer break, I became a nagger girlfriend. I got impatient and we always fight. I got easily irritated on a lot of things. Sometimes, he has the fault in it but most of the time it was just me. He stayed for me despite of it. He never leaves me at my worst. He became very patient on me and still doing special things for me. I don’t know, but I can’t help myself to hate him to the point that I am asking myself if I am still in love with him. I love him but I hate him. It sounds weird but it is.
Until one week before the Holy Week, I broke up with him. His mind filled with a lot of questions why I had to do that. It’s like a near cool off. I cry and cry and cry. I love him but I can’t fight the hating I feel for him. I want to be a better person for him. He doesn’t deserve the way I treat him.
In my realization, I summed up a lot of reasons why we had reached this kind of argument. He also really lacks of doing his responsibilities as a boyfriend that’s why I ended up nagging him. He knew these things. But because the love I have for him, I tried to understand everything and to accept him again for who and what he is. We got back together after a week of break up. We tried to fix everything. I thought it would work this time but the fight isn’t really over. Until the time came that he gave up. I was so shocked that he really wanted to leave me. I can’t stop the tears falling. We talked about it and we fixed it with adjusting to our differences and I promised that I will stop nagging him even with a reason. That we would talk about each argument calmly.
We lasted to be this way for almost four months until I realized things. We were not really meant for each other and our adjustments can’t cure our differences. I feel also limited on doing things I wanted and need to do and doing things I shouldn’t do but end up doing it because of him. The first real break up was calm. I cried and we talk. We still hang out. We laugh and we love. No commitment. My decision is final and I know this is what I have to do. But my heart seems not to be ready yet. I love him so that I follow my heart over my mind and tried to make things right with him. But he had it. He doesn’t want to get back with me anymore. I did everything. I cried a lot but every tear doesn’t matter to him any longer. It was damn so painful. But then I have to stick with it. It’s actually my decision and he just followed. I knew it was really bound to happen. And I have to accept the fact that he is not into it anymore. I have to be strong, to be independent and to stand on my own.
Little by little, I overcome the pain. I have learned to accept it and learn a lot of things. It had made me a better person. I am starting to experience the fruits of the painful past I had with him. God has really the reasons why every pain exists. I became closer and faithful in Him. It was actually a great feeling each day came.
Then 26th of September came. It rained so hard and Bagyong Ondoy came. Flood is everywhere and we were stranded in our university. Since Christian has a dorm near the university, I texted him that we need his help badly and asked him if we could stay in his dorm. They were just great blessings that he and Kim accepted us in their dorm. It was just really cold then. The wind blows hard. The flood rises. The rain doesn’t seem to stop. It was really fearful but we just keep on praying and thanking God we were just so safe there with them.
Night came, Christian and I prepare the dinner. Suddenly, my heart started to beat faster again. I just can’t breathe when he stares and smiles at me. But I tried to ignore it. He leaned his head in my shoulder when we were sitting on the bench while waiting to steam the rice perfectly. He told me he’s not feeling well because he is drunk but I pushed him away for I don’t want anybody to see us and I hate to think that he’s taking advantage of me. He asked me about what happened on my former boyfriend. He also told me what’s going on with his love life after few months of breaking up with his former girlfriend. He likes a new girl visiting at their dorm. I was hurt though I had to fake it and be happy for him. I don’t know but I can’t deny that I still like him and I missed him. But I knew it was just only me now. Everything is so different between us but my feelings have grown stronger though.
In the middle of the night, when everybody is sleeping, I woke up. I can’t sleep again so I wake Christian up. He was surprised why I am still awake. I told him I am not sleepy anymore and asked him if he can stay up with me because I feel so bored. I fool around him but he is still drowsy and asked me to sleep. I disagreed and reasoned out until he pulled me to his side. I am now lying down beside him. I can’t breathe. I stand up but he held my hand so I won’t be able to get up. So I just dealt with it.
Suddenly, he is tickling me and I did the same way. I tickled him and slap him on his face and we laughed and laughed again. Until he hugged me but I put away his hand then he placed my hand to hug him back. I don’t know what to do. His sweetness, smiles and acts are still the same. But the thing is he doesn’t even utter a word why he is still fond of doing those things to me. I was waiting for him to tell me that he still feels the same way but I heard nothing. So I made fun of him and tease him why he is doing this. He smiled and just told me that I am very stubborn so he just made fun of me.
When the sun rose, we left his dorm and still thinking of what happened when I was there. I feel so awkward. I can’t stop thinking of him and I missed him very much. One night, I called him and check on him how he was doing. In the end, I told him that I think about him a lot. I got no response. I feel so unimportant for him. I don’t know what’s wrong. I tried to just avoid and stop thinking about him but I can’t. Until I came up of making peace with him through talking with him personally but he didn’t come thrice as I have expected him. I feel so depressed. He is ignoring me a lot. It’s like showing me that I am the most unimportant person in his life. I wanted to give up. But as days passed by, I keep falling for him deeper than before. I’m starting to realize that I love him but this time I knew giving up is the only way to stop bothering his life. He doesn't need me in his life I think. I texted him how I feel except that I am in love with him but he replied like he is not aware of everything. He said sorry and he’s still a friend to me. It was really an overwhelming sorrow. He also sent quotes like I am arrogant and that I should never expect in just little sweetness of anybody. That’s how I got his point.
On that day, I told myself that I would never ever bother him anymore. But one week after, just last night, I failed. I give him a call but he rejected it. However, he texted me informing that he is doing something important. This crazy heart doing silly things again I think. I just responded on him to text me if he’s ready but I fell asleep. So we weren’t able to talk that night. The next morning, today actually, I called him. We talked and decided to meet tomorrow. I hope this talk will help me unleash the pain I’m feeling inside somehow. In the other way, I’m afraid that he will not show up again for the fourth time. That’s damn painful. I hate it, really. But what can I do, no matter how much I try to follow my mind, my damn heart wins."
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